tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post2357481546272621488..comments2023-08-28T08:28:57.052-05:00Comments on Mara Writes: Show Me The Voice BlogfestMara Nashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14628961488068784772noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-49398876967624131242011-03-22T10:33:12.977-05:002011-03-22T10:33:12.977-05:00Leave them wanting more. So many questions need an...Leave them wanting more. So many questions need answering! And her tentative demeanor is clear.Tara Tylerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07587802105993889515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-81264820535446525262011-03-21T19:03:57.857-05:002011-03-21T19:03:57.857-05:00Great tension. I really felt nervous with her. T...Great tension. I really felt nervous with her. The descriptions were awesome too.<br /><br />.......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-57161571502107947702011-03-21T17:03:54.473-05:002011-03-21T17:03:54.473-05:00I agree, this is a nice start. You've got a g...I agree, this is a nice start. You've got a good hook, something to push the reader to keep reading to learn more, why is Holly there, why has she never met her grandmother?<br /><br />I would have liked to see maybe just a bit more internalizing or emotion, other than nervousness. For such a situation, would she be angry, or sad also? I also wondered why just her pacing seemed so suspicious to the staff? Is there something about her look? The way she's dressed? Maybe something to consider ~ but, the writing is great and you've got me intrigued. Thanks!Donea Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15393184831994368021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-60684358725639432762011-03-21T11:49:56.153-05:002011-03-21T11:49:56.153-05:00Oh, very interesting set up! I am intrigued as yo...Oh, very interesting set up! I am intrigued as your MC with why her grandmother would wait this long to meet her!Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-51728469296134473782011-03-21T10:51:31.098-05:002011-03-21T10:51:31.098-05:00I love how you showed us how she felt. You never o...I love how you showed us how she felt. You never once said, "she was nervous" or anything like that. Since the hook is that she's about to meet her grandma for the first time as she was dying, I would have liked to see that information sooner.Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-1183914574089374982011-03-21T01:30:17.907-05:002011-03-21T01:30:17.907-05:00I'm so used to reading first person, this was ...I'm so used to reading first person, this was a nice change. Well done good piece. NOthing I can add to what's already been said.<br />Well done.Write Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11243460609179141414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-10475492309587414352011-03-20T20:37:18.799-05:002011-03-20T20:37:18.799-05:00Off to a fantastic start. Got lots of questions a...Off to a fantastic start. Got lots of questions and a strong desire to read on to find out the answers!<br /><br />If you get a chance, come on over and see my first 250. <br /><br />http://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.com/Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736441732672508192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-42157583248137573352011-03-20T18:56:38.141-05:002011-03-20T18:56:38.141-05:00What happens next? Why DID her grandmother wait! A...What happens next? Why DID her grandmother wait! Augh! Want to know!<br /><br />I'm definitely hooked.<br /><br />To be honest, I'm really a big fan of this, but I know that's not helpful feedback, so I'm digging for something to say! I wasn't quite sure why the staff were so suspicious of her. Would they just call security on her? They wouldn't come over first to ask more firmly whether she's got a reason for wearing a hole in the floor of their hallway with all the pacing? That was the only aspect that felt slightly off for me. Otherwise, loved it.Amie Kaufmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15116472165351759477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-3848006864195146352011-03-20T17:13:17.637-05:002011-03-20T17:13:17.637-05:00Great voice. You've definitely hooked me from ...Great voice. You've definitely hooked me from the start and I want to read on to find out some of the answers to the unanswered questions.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677563505368503476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-84965550993977996242011-03-20T16:43:45.960-05:002011-03-20T16:43:45.960-05:00Nice start. A thought: Since Holly does a lot of...Nice start. A thought: Since Holly does a lot of her communicating through smiles, consider changing this sentence: "She smiled at him, trying to reassure him that she belonged, but feeling out of place..." to "Her tentative smile did little to hide how out of place she felt." or something similar. <br /><br />Good questions not answered: why doens't she know her grandmother? <br /><br />Why is she out of place?<br /><br />Why is the staff suspicious of her presence? <br /><br />Good!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07754229648422848542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-8444985734017871352011-03-20T13:50:07.589-05:002011-03-20T13:50:07.589-05:00I like your entry a lot! I would continue to read...I like your entry a lot! I would continue to read, although the title confuses me a bit at this point in the story...<br /><br />WTG!Sharon K. Mayhewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07799235347319851345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-66095775905694012922011-03-20T13:25:04.402-05:002011-03-20T13:25:04.402-05:00I really like your first paragraph. It's a def...I really like your first paragraph. It's a definite great hook that makes the reader want to continue. I actually think you can cut out the "She could either...granddaughter's acquaintance" because we already can guess that. And you already mentioned that they haven't met yet so it's basically repeating. It might move the action along quicker. <br /><br />Still great beginning and I would keep reading!Jennhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16796597536718545426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-81573119336690842752011-03-20T11:10:31.249-05:002011-03-20T11:10:31.249-05:00Great start! Based on the title, I'd say her g...Great start! Based on the title, I'd say her grandmother is going to share a family secret, no?<br />The second paragraph has too many commas. Well written sentences and the commas are in the correct places as far as I can see, but there's still too many of them. 4th paragraph, after "I'm fine" there should be a period and then indent with "She'd have to decide..." The last paragraph, first sentence should have a comma after "breath", but then again too many commas. What about "She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders." Less commas. And delete the comma after "confident smile" and "ajar" both in the last paragraph. <br />Enough about commas. :) I like it. I like your first sentence a lot, and that;s the one you want to POP! Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-67429975389471877742011-03-20T08:54:41.264-05:002011-03-20T08:54:41.264-05:00Yes, I agree with Steph. Nice start! Jan MorrisonYes, I agree with Steph. Nice start! <a href="http://www.labanan.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Jan Morrison</a>Jan Morrisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771180344305042855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2679123027334100715.post-73222304151719836992011-03-20T00:40:30.418-05:002011-03-20T00:40:30.418-05:00You've done a good job of hooking us into want...You've done a good job of hooking us into wanting to know more. WHY doesn't Holly know her grandmother? Why is she there alone feeling out of place? Nicely done!Stephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01513890163267239343noreply@blogger.com