Because I'm a hopeless sucker for blogfests, here's another one! I just now learned about this one and I'm so happy I did because not only is it a fun idea, but it's got killer prizes to go with it, so how could I resist?!
So the blogfest is the, "Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest," hosted by the ever lovely Brenda Drake.
The idea of the blogfest is that writers are tasked with posting the first line of their current completed WIP. It must be a completed manuscript. Lucky for me, I just happen to have one of those.
This is the first line from my paranormal romance, Faerie Fate:
"Holly Reed slept curled in a tiny bundle reminiscent of the fetus she'd been only a week ago, unaware of the two women who stood over her, watching."
So what do you think? Compelling? Stinky? Needs work? Would you keep reading?
28 comments:
I like this first line. So sweet. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting!
Love this. It has a sweetness but also a creepy factor to it that works well. Nicely done!
You have me curious. I want to know who the two women are hmmmm.
Ooooh! It begins as a nice, sweet vibe & ends with a little creepiness. lol This definitely makes me curious about Holly Reed.
I like it, but maybe it could use a little more POW! I think if you leave out the "reminiscent of the fetus she's been only a week ago" part it would impart an even bigger punch. See how this sounds...
"Holly Reed slept curled in a tiny bundle, unaware of the two women who stood over her, watching."
You may have to choose between a powerful sentence and one that imparts a lot of information. It's so hard to do both at the same time. Is it even possible?
I like what wordwrangler said, but I also like the part about the fetus. It makes me wonder if Holly is still a baby or some sort of abnormal thing.
It strikes me as an updated version of the beginning of a fairy tale. I think the image of the two women standing over the baby is strong enough to carry this as a first sentence. Just a little clean up of unnecessary words (mostly the clause "reminiscent of the fetus ...") and it will be golden. You can always make clear that Holly is a baby in the next few lines.
I would keep reading! It's an intriguing beginning to a story.
Personally, I like it as it is. :)
I like it. It makes me want to know who the two women are and what's so special about Holly that they're staring at her. Nice!
I like it as it is - it's a compelling and a little creepy. The 'week ago' suggests a being other than human. I'd definately want to read more.
Ooo...I liked it! You lull the reader into what seems like a cute beginning and them bam, who are the two women? What are waiting for? Excellent first line.
Interesting, you definitely have me wondering who the women are.
I like it! It intrigued me, made me want to keep reading and find out more.
Cyndi
Interesting. I'm not sure of how old Holly is if she was a fetus a week ago. How does she know she's being watched as a fetus?
Very intriguing. I'd read on for sure!
It is definitely intriguing. I wonder if the whole book is written from the babies POV. Hmm...
Very cool opening! Bonus points for originality. Can't help wondering what size she is now if she was a fetus a week ago (especially since it's implied she's grown significantly since then). Nicely done!
Very sweet. I'm getting an Omni POV vibe and hints of sinister deeds.
......dhole
Unless Holly just filled her nappy, it's definitely not stinky. I liked it a lot. I want to see where it's going.
I like this a lot. The only thing is the addition of the last name seems too much...maybe drop the Reed and just start with Holly.
She's supposed to be a week old, right?
demitrialunetta.blogspot.com
This has a nasty edge to it. Love it.
I think it is very interesting : ) But I also wonder about POV in this because the baby is asleep...that is my automatic concern.
I like the omniscient POV you've selected. So many authors stray away from that, but if it's done right it can be amazing, and so far you've pulled it off.
The sentence was a little chunky to me. I agree with the comments about removing the 'reminiscent of the fetus she'd been only a week ago'. It's definitely shows the child's age, but it's a wordy way to go about it with everything else you've included here.
Bonus points for great hook and originality. I think you've got a great opener.
I like it. I wasn't sure about the POV at first, because if it's a tight third person pov, she wouldn't know they were watching her, but like Loralie said, omniscient pov can work.
Would it go against the intended meaning to say 'the women watching over her'?
Interesting. I think it could use a bit of something... something indicating what's odd about her, even if it's just a hint. Of course, if I read this, I would keep going!
India Drummond
I think it's a great first line.
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