Saturday, March 19, 2011

Show Me The Voice Blogfest

It's time for the Show Me The Voice Blogfest, hosted by Brenda Drake and judged by agent Natalie Fischer of the Bradford Literary Agency! Pretty awesome chance to get some feedback and get the first 250 words of your finished manuscript in front of an agent.

So I'm posting the first 250 words of my paranormal romance, Faerie Fate.


Name: Mara Nash
Title: Faerie Fate
Genre: Paranormal romance

Holly Reed paced the hospital corridor outside room 532, uncertain if she wanted to enter and accept the consequences. On the other side of the door lay the grandmother she’d never met, apparently in the last losing days of her battle with lung cancer.

An orderly rushed by pushing an empty wheelchair, giving her a quizzical look. She smiled at him, trying to reassure him that she belonged, but feeling out of place. Arms crossed, she bit her lip and changed direction, passing her grandmother’s door again, still hesitant to enter. Across the hall at the nurse’s station, their eyes followed her progress back and forth.

“Can I help you with something?” one of the nurses asked, her voice suspicious.

“No,” Holly said, “I’m fine,” She’d have to decide soon before they called security and had her removed. She could either leave and spend the rest of her life wondering, or go in and find out why her grandmother had waited until she was on her deathbed to make her only granddaughter’s acquaintance.

Taking a deep breath she squared her shoulders. As the nurse glared at her and reached for the phone, Holly gave her a sweet, confident smile, and turned her attention to her grandmother’s room. The door was already ajar, so she leaned into it, swinging it inward on its hinges. She entered the room on silent feet to find an old woman resting peacefully in the bed. Sunshine fell bright on the floor and warmed the room, and a homemade afghan covered the woman’s feet.

Now go check out the rest of the entries!


Steph said...

You've done a good job of hooking us into wanting to know more. WHY doesn't Holly know her grandmother? Why is she there alone feeling out of place? Nicely done!

Jan Morrison said...

Yes, I agree with Steph. Nice start! Jan Morrison

Anonymous said...

Great start! Based on the title, I'd say her grandmother is going to share a family secret, no?
The second paragraph has too many commas. Well written sentences and the commas are in the correct places as far as I can see, but there's still too many of them. 4th paragraph, after "I'm fine" there should be a period and then indent with "She'd have to decide..." The last paragraph, first sentence should have a comma after "breath", but then again too many commas. What about "She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders." Less commas. And delete the comma after "confident smile" and "ajar" both in the last paragraph.
Enough about commas. :) I like it. I like your first sentence a lot, and that;s the one you want to POP! Good luck!

Jenn said...

I really like your first paragraph. It's a definite great hook that makes the reader want to continue. I actually think you can cut out the "She could either...granddaughter's acquaintance" because we already can guess that. And you already mentioned that they haven't met yet so it's basically repeating. It might move the action along quicker.

Still great beginning and I would keep reading!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I like your entry a lot! I would continue to read, although the title confuses me a bit at this point in the story...


Diane Vallere said...

Nice start. A thought: Since Holly does a lot of her communicating through smiles, consider changing this sentence: "She smiled at him, trying to reassure him that she belonged, but feeling out of place..." to "Her tentative smile did little to hide how out of place she felt." or something similar.

Good questions not answered: why doens't she know her grandmother?

Why is she out of place?

Why is the staff suspicious of her presence?


Cheree said...

Great voice. You've definitely hooked me from the start and I want to read on to find out some of the answers to the unanswered questions.

Amie Kaufman said...

What happens next? Why DID her grandmother wait! Augh! Want to know!

I'm definitely hooked.

To be honest, I'm really a big fan of this, but I know that's not helpful feedback, so I'm digging for something to say! I wasn't quite sure why the staff were so suspicious of her. Would they just call security on her? They wouldn't come over first to ask more firmly whether she's got a reason for wearing a hole in the floor of their hallway with all the pacing? That was the only aspect that felt slightly off for me. Otherwise, loved it.

Trisha Leaver said...

Off to a fantastic start. Got lots of questions and a strong desire to read on to find out the answers!

If you get a chance, come on over and see my first 250.

Escape Artist said...

I'm so used to reading first person, this was a nice change. Well done good piece. NOthing I can add to what's already been said.
Well done.

Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

I love how you showed us how she felt. You never once said, "she was nervous" or anything like that. Since the hook is that she's about to meet her grandma for the first time as she was dying, I would have liked to see that information sooner.

Hart Johnson said...

Oh, very interesting set up! I am intrigued as your MC with why her grandmother would wait this long to meet her!

Donea Lee said...

I agree, this is a nice start. You've got a good hook, something to push the reader to keep reading to learn more, why is Holly there, why has she never met her grandmother?

I would have liked to see maybe just a bit more internalizing or emotion, other than nervousness. For such a situation, would she be angry, or sad also? I also wondered why just her pacing seemed so suspicious to the staff? Is there something about her look? The way she's dressed? Maybe something to consider ~ but, the writing is great and you've got me intrigued. Thanks!

Donna Hole said...

Great tension. I really felt nervous with her. The descriptions were awesome too.


Tara Tyler said...

Leave them wanting more. So many questions need answering! And her tentative demeanor is clear.